


Had I known we might be two Kids without their Jackets

by judelaw



Category: The Young Pope (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and awkwardly trying to help the other with their demons meanwhile, dealing with traumatic pasts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-20 10:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9486758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judelaw/pseuds/judelaw
Summary: "How do you overcome fear?" - "By giving in to the complex and unfathomable architecture, that God has designed for us."[Set during and possibly after the events of Episode 10]





	1. Behind That Weathered Door

It just had to be here… somewhere.  
  
Nervously, he made his way through his giant pile of stuffed animals, he has been collecting since he was a child.  
  
Gutierrez knew it was ridiculous to think like that as a grown man, but he did consider them as his friends. In a way. At least they always kept him company at night. Especially during those nights, in which those memories, those painful reminders of the past, just get too much.  
  
A few years ago, he can’t even pinpoint the exact moment anymore, he lost track of all the stuffed toys he had. He still tried to remember all their names, or at least _give_ them all names, but he could only certainly remember the names of the ones he had since he was a child. The others just went by whatever name he felt like in this particular moment. He remembered calling the elephant Josef, Martin (an awful name for an elephant, he must have been drunk when he gave him this one) and unimaginatively _Dumbo_ , but he honestly couldnt say which one he currently uses or which one was the first.  
  
When he finally found the one he was looking for, the sun had already set. He started looking for it right after he heard the news, which must have been two hours ago at least, and now he was worried it was too late to still bother the pope. In fact, he wondered if it wasn’t too late in general.  
  
When that incident happened, he was still in New York and he only just now, as he's been back since a few days, heard about it. Not that it would have made a difference if he heard about it earlier. He would have figured how much the pope would get hurt by losing his beloved pet, but he wouldn’t have said anything to him either way. Neither by letters, and certainly not via Skype. It would have felt not appropriate.  
  
When he heard about the kangaroo’s death, he immediately wanted to do something for his pope. Something to cheer him up. So he rushed into his room, hoping he wasn’t forgetting any important responsibilities he might have, and started looking for it. It felt like a natural thing to do. But now that he only has to leave his room, go the pope and give it to him, he started losing this energy, this courage he originally felt.

What if it was too much, or wrong?

What if it was sending the wrong signals?

For the longest time, he had been worrying that Pope Pius XIII would find out about his secret. Or _secrets_. It was already worse enough he knew about his alcoholism and the fact that he spoke to Voiello - something he still feels incredibly sorry for. He never meant to misuse the trust of Lenny Belardo. But he was even more worried he’d find out about the other two.

But he had to tell him.

He couldn’t just take the generous offer of becoming Pope Pius XIII's Personal Secretary without telling him. It felt wrong and he didn’t even consider it for a moment.  
  
And he wasn’t even scared. Or maybe just a litte.  
  
He survived in New York, he survived his life outside the Vatican. It was still his home, the place he felt comfortable at, but if he would have to leave the Vatican because of the way he loves, so be it.  
  
But Belardo was so oddly accepting of it. He even knew about it before hand. God knows for how long he knew and he still kept spending time with Gutierrez. In retrospective it really stuns him.  
  
Belardo’s acceptence of his homosexuality wouldn’t sound weird in the context of his love letters. Beautifully written love letters only someone, who truly loves and has lost love could write. Gutierrez even shed a tear or two reading them - or probably more. Certainly more.  
  
But in the context of everything Pope Pius XIII stands for, it unquestionably was odd.  
  
The man, the pope, who wants to expel every single homosexual from the Vatican, knowingly spend a lot of time with one, entrusted him with an important mission and now made him his personal assistant.  
  
Maybe, if he could accept him, he could also accept homosexuality in general. One day. Gutierrez surely was willing to at least try getting to that point.  
  
While he was thinking about all that, he walked without realizing it and was now standing infront of the door of the pope’s personal rooms.  
  
He had already raised his hand to knock, but paused.  
  
This was stupid.  
  
He was stupid.  
  
Belardo will think of this as stupid.  
  
_Or even worse._  
  
He pulled his hand back and looked down at his present. The small thing smiled at him encouragingly.

_How do you overcome fear?_  
_By giving in to the complex and unfathomable architecture, that God has designed for us._  


Gutierrez inhaled deeply without any further thought and knocked.

To his surpise, the man himself opened. The pope looked at him without any sign of suprise, as if he was expecting a visitor. Maybe that's why he was opening the door himself. Maybe Gutierrez really _is_ bothering him.  
  
Lenny smiled politely: “I send everyone home. I didn’t feel like company tonight.”  
  
_Great._  
  
“Oh, I apologize, I never meant to-”  
  
“This doesn’t include you, Gutierrez. Come in”, the pope made a gesture with his head, symbolizing Gutierrez to step in.  
  
The cardinal did and followed Belardo into his office. The desk was filled with dozens of papers and Gutierrez wondered how the pope stayed on top of all this. He didn’t even question if he actually does.  
  
Lenny pointed at a chair, gesturing him to sit down in front of the desk, while taking a seat on the other chair he just left.  
  
It was quiet for a moment and Gutierrez wondered why, until he realized that Belardo was looking at him eagely, waiting for him to speak up about what he was doing here.  
  
“I apologize again for bothering you, Holy Father, especially at this late hour.”  
  
Lenny shook his head: “I’m sure you have a good reason.”  
  
Gutierrez still didn’t find the right words to say, so Lenny tried to help him a little bit: “Is it about Kurtwell? It’s fine now. I take care of the rest.”  
  
The cardinal now realized all the papers on Belardo’s desk were related to the case.  
  
“No, no, I…”, he was genuinely touched that Belardo was worrying about him still thinking about the case and therefore is now doing the rest of the work on his own. But he didn’t need to.  
  
“I can help you with that, Holy Father.”, he pointed at the pile of papers. “You entrusted me with the Kurtwell case after all.”  
  
Lenny smiled at him warmly but then he suddenly became very serious as he leaned forward: “I know I said, I want _us_ to change the world. _Together_. But I really can handle the rest. You did an excellent job so far, Gutierrez. The rest is just paper work. It’s the easy part. You already did the hard one. And you did wonderfully.”  
  
Gutierrez thought of all the bottles he drank during that time and absolutely didn’t think of himself as having done the job wonderfully.  
  
As so often, Lenny seemed to have read his thoughts and shook his head again: “It was my fault. I should have taken a better care of you and your problem. I apologize.”  
  
Gutierrez wanted to answer something but Belardo stopped his attempt.  
  
“Will you now tell me why you ran through half the Vatican to get here, at 9 pm, with a stuffed animal in your hand?”  
  
The animal! Gutierrez completely forgot to hide it, or at least wrap it up or put it into a box. He must look like a lost child, holding on to their favorite toy.  
  
“It’s a present.”, he said quickly. “For you.”  
  
He hold it out to Lenny, who looked seriously suprised and curious this time, but before he could say something, Gutierrez rapidly continued speaking: "I know it’s stupid but… I heard about your loss… of your kangaroo. And I imagined you may be… probably are, really sad about it. So I thought this might cheer you up. It’s technically used, since it has been lying in my bed since years but I didn’t do anything with it. It still has its tag. I thought it could keep you company.”  
  
The moment he said ‘it was lying in my bed’, he regretted it.  
  
He wanted to avoid making Belardo uncomfortable at any price.  
  
His sexuality just shouldn’t get in between their friendship - if he could ever have such a thing with the pope.  
  
But now he completely ruined it.  
  
Lenny didn’t say anything at all. He didn’t even take the present.  
  
Awkwardly, Gutierrez was still holding his hand out, unsure if he should pull back or not, but then Lenny finally spoke.  
  
“No.”


	2. I Thought We'd Overcome

“No.”  
  
Gutierrez, who was looking down the whole time he spoke, looked up as he heard the sound.

“It’s not stupid.”

His voice sounded hoarse and surprisingly unsteady. Gutierrez never heard the pope’s voice like that. Lenny slowly took the small kangaroo and looked at it carefully. It smiled at him brightly.

“Thank you.”

He pulled the little thing onto his chest, straight to the place where his heart is and looked directly at Gutierrez: “Thank you.”

It was the most adorable thing Gutierrez has ever seen.

For a moment he didn’t worry anymore. He didn’t worry about how his sexuality might affect their friendship. _Or how Lenny’s homophobia might affect their friendship._ He was happy. Happy he made Lenny Belardo behave like that. Like the child, they both stopped being way too early.

“I never really had a stuffed animal”, Lenny said as he carefully placed his kangaroo on the desk.

“You never…?”

“We had a huge teddy bear at the orphanage but it was meant for the younger children.”, Lenny explained, while still carefully examining his new stuffed friend.

“Does it have a name?”

“No. No, I never gave it one, Your Holiness.”, Gutierrez was still overwhelmed by the reaction his present created.

Even in this short moment he imagined the reaction to be positive, he didn’t expect _that_. He expected a “Thank you, very kind” or something. _But not this._ Lenny seemed to carefully think about names.

“It needs a glorious name. Something, that shows its value.”

Gutierrez reconsidered if he should give him name suggestions but he didn’t know if he was allowed to and when he thought of 'Martin’ again, he quickly remembered to just shut up.

“Bernardo.”

Surprised about getting addressed by his first name, Gutierrez looked up, fearing he missed something the pope said to him.

“Yes, Holy Father?”

“I’ll call him Bernardo.”

Gutierrez was lost at words. Too many things ran through his head.

They sat together in silence for a while, Lenny admiring his new friend, Gutierrez doing the same, until they both agreed it was getting quite late and Gutierrez should return home. Tomorrow was the meeting with Kurtwell after all.

 

Lenny’s hand gently squeezed his shoulder, providing him support.

“Are you alright?”

Gutierrez nodded while wiping his tears away. He hoped Kurtwell didn’t see them.

“You did amazingly”, Lenny said as he returned to his seat and for a moment Gutierrez thought he was talking to himself but he was actually talking to him.

“I did nothing, Holy Father. You did all the talking.”

Lenny, as calm as always, shook his head: “You didn’t run away. You are overcoming fear.”

Gutierrez thought about his words, while Lenny lit a cigarette.

“Do you smoke?”

The question was completely unexpected.

“No, Holy Father. I don’t.”

“Ah, pity. The only person I ask and he doesn’t even smoke”, Lenny almost chuckled, which completely took Gutierrez aback. “Maybe you should start. It calms down.”

“No, Holy Father. I have enough vices.”, he spoke those words before he even realized what they meant. He must have been still agitated from the meeting with Kurtwell.

“I apologize, Holy Father, I didn’t mean to imply you-”

But Lenny raised his hand to stop him: “No, no. It _is_ a vice.”

He took a pull on his cigarette.

“But we all need one.”

They were silent again. And Gutierrez wished they weren’t like that. He wished he could be genuinely friends with the man, who wrote these beautiful love letters. Friends. Nothing more, of course. He was the pope after all.

But he caught himself wishing he wasn’t. And immediately felt guilty about it. Even if Lenny Belardo wasn’t the pope, it would change nothing about the situation they are in.

Lenny observed his assistant, who was lost in deep thoughts.

Maybe it has been too much again. Maybe he put him through this for nothing.

He still felt incredibly sorry for not taking a good enough care of Gutierrez alcohol problem. For complete underestimating it. He should have known Gutierrez couldn’t easily get rid of it. Not after all he has been through. Not after all he had to go through.

But he did made it through in the end.

This strong man, Lenny saw in him from the very beginning, completed his mission.

_Wonderfully._

Should he have said more? Didn’t Gutierrez catch his hint about caring about _all_ the children?

Was this not enough? He wished he wasn’t as awkward.

“Holy Father.”

“Yes?”

Did he say something?

Gutierrez cleared his throat and looked into the direction of the door. Lenny followed his glance and saw Suree standing in the door frame, repeating her concern.

Something about an important visitor, Lenny seriously didn’t care about.

He quickly looked back at Gutierrez to make sure he was fully alright again and then gestured Suree that he is ready.


	3. We Might Not Make It Home Tonight

Gutierrez was worried.

He _should_ have called for a doctor. Why was Pope Pius XIII so incredibly stubborn?

Gutierrez watched the figure still looking out of the window.

Maybe he should think about what Belardo just said. Maybe he should be worried that the pope just told him he doesn’t believe in God. That believing in God means not believing in anything.

But he doesn’t.

He is however worried about his pope’s health.

Maybe all of what he had to live through the past few months was too much. He lost his friend, then kangaroo, then mentor and now sent his substitute mother away.

Was this his fault? He never intended to take anyone’s job and Sister Mary seemed quite happy about her new task but maybe it was too much for Lenny Belardo. Maybe he should have declined his offer, making him keep Sister Mary.

“Don’t look at me with such concern. It told you it was just a passing.”

Gutierrez, pulled out of his train of thought, looked at Lenny, who spread his arm out to symbolize he was whole. And fine.

“And I was right.”

He smiled friendly again. A smile that warmed Gutierrez’ heart.

“Seriously, I’m fine. Stop worrying.”

Gutierrez nodded and continued working as if nothing happened.

But something changed in Gutierrez.

He swore himself to help Lenny – even if he didn’t want his help.  
  
Even if he would get kicked out for it.

After all, if there was something he already learnt from his brief… companionship with Lenny Belardo, then it was that you sometimes need to get really uncomfortable, to finally feel better. And that sometimes you need some help for that.

 

  
The next days passed without any incident and Christmas was getting closer.

And so did the question of what Pope Pius XIII would actually do on Christmas Eve.

It wasn’t his business, maybe he shouldn’t have wondered or even asked, but Gutierrez hoped to somehow take their relationship to a closer level, where one can have normal conversations with the other. And maybe he hoped Lenny would say he didn’t have any plans, so Gutierrez could offer to spend it together. _Maybe._

“Cardinal Voiello invited me to spend it with him and his family.”

Oh.

The conversation ended right there. Perhaps it has been unseemly for Gutierrez to ask – even though Lenny said there weren’t any unseemly questions between them because they respect each other - a statement that still means a lot to Bernardo.  
  
But the pope said it before he knew about his homosexuality.  
  
Or didn't he?

They were sitting in Lenny’s office, going through some important papers. It was already late at night but they had to be done before Christmas and the entire Kurtwell case kind of ruined their schedule. They've been working since a couple of days and nights without any real breaks, apart from the occasional short sleep and the one time they took a walk through the gardens, when Belardo noticed that Gutierrez head was still occupied with the Kurtwell affair.

Bernardo, the kangaroo, was keeping them company and it still made the cardinal proud that something he gave to the pope, no, _to Lenny Belardo_ , was treasured like that.

Lenny yawned, a sound Gutierrez never heard him do. He never seemed tired. Exhausted and… sad, perhaps. But not tired.

“Pardon me.”, Lenny rubbed his eyes, trying to focus on the papers again.

“Maybe we should let it be for tonight, Holy Father. We’ve been working for the past three nights and barely got any sleep. A break would do us both some good.”

Gutierrez hoped it sounded more like the friendly advice he was intending to offer and not like an order.

Belardo nodded: “You can go to bed, Gutierrez. Get some rest.”

Bernardo wondered for a moment why the pope deliberately forgot who of them just yawned and ignored the ‘both’ part of his sentence.

However, the incident a few days back taught him about the pope’s stubbornness about his own well-being and therefore offered an answer. He didn’t want togive up as easily as he did back then, though.

“Holy Father… you should really go to bed as well. We are both tired and need some rest. The papers can wait for few hours. Let’s get some sleep and work on them again tomorrow, well rested.”  
  
He smiled at Lenny politely, hoping it would encourage the pope to give in. Not because he wanted the pope to listen to him just for the sake of doing so but because he was seriously worried. What if he was actually sick and could really need sleep? What if he wasn't fine at all?

The fact that Pope Pius XIII actually showed physical signs of being tired for the first time since Bernardo knew him, was alarming.

The smile however was for nothing. Belardo didn’t even look at him.

“Sleep doesn’t offer me rest”, the pope said apathetically, still studying some paper.

“How so?”, Gutierrez immediately regretted asking the second unseemly question of the evening.

Lenny slowly looked up from his text and directly at Gutierrez. His eyes were slightly red, exhausted.  
  
There was something in his eyes, not anger, not annoyance, but something dark. Something that made the cardinal feel more distanced from Lenny Belardo, than he ever felt before.  
  
It felt terrible. And was horrifying.  
  
Gutierrez realized he was way too focused on all the nice things Belardo said to him, on all the friendly things, on the possibility of a friendship, that he completely forgot that Lenny was still the pope and he just his cardinal. Nothing more. Nothing less. And certainly not a friend.

“I deeply apologize, I shouldn’t have-”

“Nightmares.”, Lenny smiled coldly. “I’m sure you know all about those.”  
  
The tone in his voice made Gutierrez shiver. Pope Pius XIII didn’t raise his voice, he didn’t sound angry, it was the calmness that scared Bernardo.

“I… I do but-”

“Good. Then you also hopefully know how no sleep, or barely sleep since the human body cannot completely function without, is the perfect way to avoid those.”

He put the paper down, looking at Gutierrez, waiting for a reply. Almost demanding the cardinal to say something, only so he shut him up completely.  
  
But Gutierrez still didn’t want give in. Not this time.  
  
After all, he did consider Lenny Belardo his friend, or someone close to being a friend, even if he only saw in him the cardinal he was.

“Holy Father, it really is not… if you… talk about them, perhaps they will-”

“I remember telling you to go to sleep, Your Eminence. Good night.”

When Gutierrez left the room, Lenny couldn’t focus on the papers anymore. His eyes read the lines but they never reached his brain.  
  
The only thing that got through to him, was this little kangaroo on his desk, that look at him reproachfully.


	4. He Lost His Sense Of Light

Darkness.  
  
Venice was _always_ dark. And cold.  
  
As dark and cold as he's imagining God, as he is feeling God's absence.

The St Mark's Campanile was standing tall and lonesome. It was stretching into the sky, trying to reach the non-existent stars. For Lenny it always seemed like a cry for God. A Cry for help.  
But no one was there to hear the silent cry, to see the dry tears, so the tower just hold on. A solitary, stern building in an ocean of darkness.  
  
Lenny kept moving but he didn't go anywhere.  
  
He never did.  
  
He never left this secluded place. He only walked up and down, and up and down, and up and down. Until he woke up.  
Lenny never knew how long those dreams lasted.  
  
He lost any concept of time. It seemed like time stopped, like the dream would never end and it seemed like time flew by, and the dream was over in an instant.  
  
Yet he never moved. Or left this place.

The ground was cold and wet, itmust have rained recently but he never saw the rain. A lonely pipe was lying on the stones, waiting to be picked up. Lenny has been ignoring it for the past 3 times he passed it, and he already promised himself to do it this time as well as he was about to it pass it again, but something has changed. The pipe was gone.

Lenny stood still and looked around.

St Mark's Campanile was still standing and crying, the Basilica was quietly watching and the square as abandoned as always. The pipe was no where to be seen.  
  
But Lenny spotted something else, far in the distance.  
  
He couldn't tell what it was but he knew it wasn't the pipe. He walked faster, first curious, then yearning. He wanted to know what the foreign object was. He was sure he's seen it before but everytime he felt like he could almost remember, the memory slipped away. The object seemed so familiar. Almost warm.  
  
Only a few more steps and he would be able to make out what it was.  
  
Only a few more.

  
  
"Your Holiness?"  
  
A gentle, tender hand lay on his shoulder and shook him softly.  
  
After Lenny regained enough conscience, he was looking in the apologizing face of his personal secretary. Gutierrez, obviously still a bit unsure how to talk to him after their brief... _argument_ last night, smiled politely, no - _friendly_ , as he was placing a can of Cherry Coke Zero on the desk in front of the pope.  
  
Lenny blinked and opened the can, still in the process of waking up.  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
  
When Gutierrez returned to the personal rooms of Pope Pius XIII this morning, he wasn't feeling well at all. He barely got sleep, still thinking about how he could have avoided the escalation last night and how to now deal with the aftermath. Should he apologize? Or was it better to not address the matter again. Would they both pretend it never happened? Will everything be the same as before?  
  
On second thought, what should he apologize for? Caring about the pope?

Gutierrez sighed.  
  
So far, Belardo has been nothing but kind towards him. If this conversation would have happened after their first meeting, after the pope told him every secret in the Vatican will sooner or later be revealed, it wouldn't have suprised him.  
But during the entire time he now has spend with the pope, he wasn't as scary. as harsh, as during this moment. Even as Bernardo called him out on his homophobic behaviour, the pope was calm. And kind.  
  
So why did he suddenly change? What was it about his sleeping pattern, that made him act like that toward him?  
  
Or wasn't it something else? Did Gutierrez do something wrong beforehand?  
  
As Gutierrez has stepped into the rooms, let in by a nun, he got told that the pope is still asleep. Which first sounded great to Gutierrez - maybe Lenny did listen to his advice after all and went to bed. Maybe everything will be fine.  
But when he stepped into the office and saw him sleeping in his chair infront of his desk, a paper still in his hand, his hope shattered.

Pope Pius was already past his usual time to stand up, unable to hear the alarm clock in his bedroom. But none of the nuns had the heart to finally wake him up. Partly because they were afraid of his response and partly because they knew how much the pope has been working and how much he needed sleep. And there was no harm in letting him sleep longer, he didn't have any appointments until the late noon, so there was no hurry.  
  
What did however make Gutierrez hurry to wake Lenny up, was the expression on the pope's face. He frowned, breathing heavily. Exhaustion was on his face, but not a physical one. Some form of anxiety that Gutierrez only knew too well.  
  
For a moment, Gutierrez forgot all his worries. Waking Lenny up and freeing him from whatever he was dreaming about was his first priority.

 

The worries did return now, however.  
  
"It's 8:48, Your Holiness."  
  
Lenny looked confused. Hopefully he wouldn't blame the nuns for not waking him up earlier. Gutierrez thought about delivering some sort of explanation about why it was already that late, but he decided to keep quiet.  
  
"Oh."  
  
Gutierrez wasn't exactly sure what kind of reaction he expected but he was certain it wasn't this one.  
  
The pope took a sip of his favorite drink and then placed the can back onto the table.  
  
Perhaps he wasn't quite awake yet?  
  
They were quiet for a while, until Lenny declared that he decided to take a shower.  
  
Gutierrez watched the pope as he was about to get up, but then suddenly stopped. There was some odd emotion on Lenny's face, that Gutierrez wasn't quite sure how to read. Was it suprise? He followed the pope's glance and saw the little kangaroo still standing at his old place on the desk, facing his new owner. Confused, Gutierrez looked back at Lenny only to see that the suprised expression has gotten replaced with a knowing one. As if Lenny Belardo suddenly had a realization about something he's been wondering about for a long time.  
  
Lenny continued to get out of his chair and strech a little. He rubbed his neck, a faint sign of pain shown of his face.  
  
"Guess I shouldn't have fallen asleep on a chair."

They looked at each other for a moment. Gutierrez wasn't quite sure how to interpret the emotionless countenance of Lenny Belardo until, completely unexpected, his mouth formed a smile.  
  
" _If only_ someone would have told me to go to bed."

 

 

 


	5. My Fear Would Come Alive

"I kept telling poor Dom Tommaso", Lenny said as they kept strolling through the Vatican Gardens at night. "That God's house is in the Big Dipper."  
  
Gutierrez tried to not laugh as he imagined Tommaso believing everything the pope tells him, simply because he is the pope.  
  
"And as a matter of fact - it could be."  
  
The at first cheerful tone in Lenny's voice suddenly changed. The pope looked up into the overcast sky, trying to spot the tail of Ursa Major, which sometimes would look down on them in the gaps between some clouds.  
  
"Certainly, Holy Father.", Gutierrez shivered a bit. It hasn't snowed in a few days and the temperatures got warmer, but the winter in Rome was still too cold for him.  
He focused on the pope's face, trying to figure out where he was going with this conversation. Lenny Belardo was always a mystery.  
  
Still looking up, Lenny either didn't hear the cardinal or decided to ignore him. He looked apathetically. His voice was hoarse as he spoke.  
  
"Light still continues to travel, even if the source died, so we can still see stars that died a long time ago. We wouldn't be able to tell which ones are still alive and which aren't with our sheer eyes."  
  
Gutierrez kept quiet. Curiously following the pope's little astronomy lesson, knowing that there would have to be some greater meaning behind what he was saying. If someone else would have said these words to him, he would have just thought of it as mindless ramblings or the will to share knowledge at best. But when it came to Lenny Belardo, everything he said seemed to have some deeper meaning. The man was pure poetry.

"We would keep believing in the stars, even if they left us a long time ago."

Sadness was to hear in the pope's voice. Gutierrez didn't like this at all. He wished he could take the sadness away from Lenny Belardo. Forever. He thought about something uplifting to say or maybe something distracting. But the pope already continued talking.  
  
"Whenever we look into the sky, we always see the past. Even when we look at the moon. The moonlight needs 1,28 seconds until it reaches the earth so we never see the moon as it currently is. Only how it was 1,28 seconds ago.", Lenny's eyes never left the sky.  
  
"We never see the whole truth."  
  
They were walking quietly for a while. The cardinal was looking at the ground, trying to figure out how to respond. The pope, however, was still looking up, trying to spot the Big Dipper. As if he needed reassurance. Reassurance that it was still there. That it didn't suddenly vanish.  
  
By the time Lenny was younger, he'd always take long walks outside, whenever he couldn't sleep. The silence of the stars made him feel understood. And save. He felt like being a part of something big, a whole universe, in fact. A big plan. When he looked at the stars, he knew there had to be plan. A meaning. Now, that Lenny is older, he still takes these walks. But the stars never have the same effect on him anymore.

Gutierrez suddenly stopped, forcing Lenny to break off his steps as well.  
  
"The wonderful thing about stars", Gutierrez began after while, looking at the pope who now turned his attention towards him instead of the clouded sky. "Is that their light still reaches us, even years, sometimes even millennia after their death."  
  
The cardinal now looked up, smiling: "Light travels on forever. It doesn't vanish."  
  
He then looked back at the pope, who was still facing the cardinal.  
  
"It never leaves us. Even if we can't see it."  
  
They continued walking, a smile was on Lenny's lip, a faint one but a smile nonetheless. Gutierrez knew this smile would go away again soon. But the image would never leave him. 

The both didn't say a word for the rest of the walk but the pope's eyes wouldn't look at the sky anymore, only at his cardinal.  
  
The Big Dipper was now clearly visible and shining brightly above the two.

 

"In a way, death isn't permanent."  
  
Gutierrez wasn't sure why the pope insisted to share cars while driving to Venice, has he been - up to this point - nothing but quiet.  
He was just looking out of the window, not even enjoying the view as far as Gutierrez could tell, considering his face stayed focused and thoughtful. Something that was understandable bearing in mind the reason they drove to Venice of all cities. But why he was so adamant that Gutierrez would be in his car and then don't even speak to him, was beyond the cardinal.

Not that Gutierrez wasn't used to Lenny's reticence. He was just wondering why it has been so important to the pope, if he had nothing important to talk about.  
  
But now that he finally spoke up, maybe Gutierrez was wrong and Lenny did have something important to say, even if death wasn't the first thing, the cardinal would have hoped for.  
Ever since he witnessed Lenny's chest pain, he feared that something might be wrong with the pope. Something greater than just sadness - if there was such a thing.  
  
"Holy Father?"  
  
The cardinal looked at the pope, who was still looking outside the window, facing the beautiful Italian landscape and nothing at all at the same time.  
  
"Everything we do has an impact, and this impact continues to live on. Even after death."  
  
Gutierrez agree but still felt uncomfortable. Like the stars, he thought to himself. Maybe that's why the pope thought about death, not some serious illness. 

As if to agree with his musing, Lenny looked up into the cloudless morning sky.

"It certainly does.", Gutierrez said, just for the sake of saying something. He was still looking at the man, wondering if he was lost in the thoughts of what he would leave behind after his death, which - God forbid - hopefully won't be anytime soon. And wondering if he should say something about it. Wondering if he should list all the wonderful things, and even miracles, Pope Pius XIII has done already. And the things he would still do.  
  
Wondering, if he should tell him all the things Lenny Belardo already did for him. How much he helped him. And how grateful he was for it.  
  
He ended up saying nothing at all and Lenny told the driver to stop at the nearest gas station so they all could get something to eat.  
  
Gutierrez really wished he could say all the things, he never knew how to put into words.


	6. Get Up

Darkness.  
  
And Cold.  
  
Venice looked different tonight - familiar yet so foreign. Was it even night? He always assumed it wass because it has always been pitch-black but he never saw the stars or the moon. So perhabs it wasn't.  
  
He didn't move.  
  
The St Mark's Campanile wasn't screaming anymore. It wasn't reaching. It stopped crying for help, for God. The Basilica wasn't watching anymore. Nothing did. Nothing looked at him. It was completely, and would be forever, still. Everything was quiet, so quiet. It hurt his ears. Everything hurt. He just wanted it to stop, he wanted everything to just finally stop.

His breathing became heavier. Keeping on breathing became harder. He tried to focus on breathing. Inhale. Exhale. But then he thought about giving breathing up. It would have be so relaxing, so easy to just quit trying to breath.

Everything would be easier.  
  
He always talked about how one can only truly find and embrace God in the cold and darkness. 

Maybe he should just give in to both.

Falling to his knees, he looked up to the starless sky. And he felt like the great nothingness was staring right back at him. He was still breathing but each breath was harder than the next and the intervals between each one became longer and longer.  
  
Embracing the dark.  
  
Embracing the cold.  
  
His head hurt. Hi heart hurt. His eyes hurt. He's been living with this pain for so long, he forgot how it feels to live without. How it feels to be happy. How it feels to be free.  
  
Freedom.  
  
He wanted to be free. Free from his pain, from his memories, from nightmares, from his exhaustion, from his sadness. Free from his life.  
He passed the point of thinking if it was right or if it was wrong to feel that way. He wouldn't know anyway. And he wouldn't care. Everything he wanted and all he cared about was being free.  
  
Tears were burning in his eyes and streaming down his face.

Just giving in.  
  
Giving up.

He couldn't weep anymore. He cried too much. His voice was gone and so his hope. His faith.

His body felt so massive, so loaded, he could barely get his back to support him. Every bone felt like breaking down under the heavy weight of his sorrow. His forsakenness.

Exhale.  
  
He didn't know if he could gather the strength to inhale again. He didn't know if he even wanted to.  
  
Still staring at the vast darkness, that seemed to swollow everything around him, his eyes slowly adjusted to the dark.  
  
Was there a light?

Yes. A small, faint light. Barely shining but still there. It was definitely there. And right next to it was another one. And another and another.  
  
He was looking at the Big Dipper.  
  
More and more stars appeared, soon the entire Ursa Major could be seen, then Draco, then Leo Minor, Lynx, Canes Venatici. He was looking at an entire star filled sky.

Breathing was suddenly so easy, his body felt so weightless. Without even noticing, he stood up, still gazing at the sky in awe. He heard the calming silence around him, felt the refreshing cold. Venice was gone. Everything around, above and underneath him was an overflowing ocean filled with stars. And wonder. And God.

Never before did he feel so happy, so released.

Warmth.  
  
And Light.

 

Gutierrez prayed since what felt like an eternity. Lenny had to be fine. _He had to._ He wouldn't leave his side until he was fine, until he finally woke up.  
  
He was angry. He was angry at God, angry at Lenny Belardo. But first and foremost he was angry at himself.  
  
Why hasn't he called a doctor the first time he witnessed his pope being in pain? Why didn't he insist on calling a doctor? Why could he never assert himself? It was all his fault. He would give anything to swap places with Lenny. He should be lying in this hospital bed, in the middle of the night somewhere in Venice. Not the pope. He should be because it was all his fault. And not only didn't he call a doctor, it was him who gave Lenny the telescope. He didn't know what he saw but he was sure it caused the pain Belardo had to go through. He caused his pope pain. And he couldn't help him. There was nothing he could do apart from praying. He was useless. And so angry.  
  
Crying, the cardinal clenched his fists. It was all his fault and he would blame himself for it forever.  
  
"You're angry. Very good."

For a moment, Gutierrez wasn't sure if he could trust his own ears. If he was suddenly imaging things. If the past hours, the rush to the hospital, the hours waiting right next to pope's bed, refusing to leave and take a rest, exhausted him so much that he was hearing things that weren't there. Too scared to look at the bed, he kept starring at the wall on the opposite side of the room. Too afraid of being mistaken.  
  
"I don't know what you are angry about", Gutierrez slowly, very slowly, turned around, looking at the weakly smiling pope. "But I'm glad you are able to feel that way."

"Holy Father...", Gutierrez tried to say something, say everything. But words weren't enough. But he wished they were, he wished he could finally say what he felt.  
  
Lenny Belardo slowly tried to sit up, causing Gutierrez to panic.  
  
"Please, Holy Father, don't overexert yourself", he was about to gently push the pope's upper body down onto the mattress again but encounted resistance.  
  
"I'm fine, don't worry."  
  
"No, you are fucking not."

Shocked, but also slightly amused, Lenny looked at his cardinal: "You don't need to be _that_ angry, Gutierrez."

"Yes, I do. You are not fine. You aren't now, you weren't on top of the St Mark's Basilica, you weren't at the Papal Palace. You probably never have been fine and when you won't stop pretending you are, you probably never will be. You are not fine. It's nothing. I heard your words, I looked at your face, I saw you having nightmares, _I saw you breaking down_. Stop saying you are fine. Stop saying it's nothing. You are ruining yourself. You are ruining us all", he gestured around the room, his hand, followed by the pope's eyes, pointing at Sofia, Voiello, Tommaso, Caltanissetta and Marivaux, who've all stayed at the hospital room. Who were all looking at him, concerned. Even in distress. Then Gutierrez hand reached his own chest. "You are ruining me."

Lenny stared at Gutierrez in silence, then his eyes wandered to every other person. Relief was on their faces but worry in their eyes. He looked at them in sheer disbelieve. They all stayed. _They all cared_. He looked back the crying Gutierrez and for some reason he felt like looking at the Big Dipper again.  
  
"It's not nothing."  
  
Lenny remembered the feeling he had as a child whenever he looked at the stars. The feeling of being save, the feeling of reassurance. 

"You are not fine."  
  
And without thinking, without fear, Gutierrez gave into the complex and unfathomable architecture, that God has designed for him - _them_ \- and wrapped his arms around Lenny. Gentle and reserved at first, but then frimer and more passionate. He cradled the pope, _the man_ , hold him close. He wasn't scared. They both weren't. Lenny closed his eyes, slowly returning the hug and embracing the ocean full of stars.  
  
"You are not fine. But you will be. I promise."


	7. I Need You

New York was a big and scary place. A foreign city, easy to get lost in and especially _feel_ lost in. Even more so if you've never left your home before. Gutierrez always knew that this alienness would make everything harder for him. He'd be completely on his own and therefore alone. And lonely. And he certainly was - or felt like he was. Of course, there have been nights at the Vatican were he felt lost and alone, but generally speaking he has always been quite happy there. It was the place he knew and felt comfortable at. Looking at his friend in front of him now, however, Gutierrez realized that the Vatican could be someone's New York, too.

They were sitting on the roof of the Vatican, the stars above, the lights of the city around them. Since they returned a few days ago, after the doctors - because Gutierrez insisted _they_ would be the ones to decide, not Lenny - decleared Pope Pius XIII was strong enough to travel back again, they both kind of avoided this situation.  
  
The past days have been busy and filled with work, they simply lacked the time to sit down and be quiet. And they both were thankful for it. They were scared of the silence because it meant one of them would have to say something. Something uncomfortable. Gutierrez certainly wanted to keep his promised and make Lenny feel better, there was nothing he wanted more in this world, but he didn't know where to even start and how to approach this conversation in a tactful manner, without making the pope push him away, again. He felt like ever since that night at the hospital, they had this special bond that made him feel closer to Lenny than he probably was. And he was terribly scared of losing it again.

Trying to help Lenny Belardo, however, was definitely worth the risk.  
  
Lenny wanted to feel better. He wanted to embrace Gutierrez like he did in the hospital. But he couldn't do it on his own. He was too scared to do so. Too scared to reach out to Gutierrez. And too scared to try to get better. Being sad has always been the easy part, fighting to overcome this sadness wasn't. He thought about how Gutierrez was too scared to leave the Vatican at first, how he felt like a canary, which, once released from its cage, will die. And he understood him. Lenny didn't want to leave his cage either. He didn't know the world outside of it so he has kept the door closed. All his life.  
  
But things have changed.  
  
Suddenly, there was this man outside the cage, who could show him a different path, a life outside the cage. He always liked to think of himself as this man for Gutierrez but he now realized it was the other way around. Or maybe it was both ways.  
  
As they sit there in silence, they both felt lost like children. Let out into this big world, without having ever gotten the chance to truly get to know it, to prepare for it. Without ever feeling the courage to discover it.  
  
"We both forgot to bring a jacket", Lenny softly smiled at Gutierrez, who faintly shivered due to the cold that surrounded them. "We can go back inside if you want to."  
  
But Gutierrez didn't want to. He knew that if they'd go back, the chance to have this conversation would be forever lost. He wanted to be brave again. Like the day he left the Vatican for the first time to head to New York City. He has been brave for Lenny before and he wanted to do it again. He knew he could. And he knew he would.  
  
"No, Holy Father", the cardinal shook his head. "We can't."  
  
Lenny's smile faded but he understood. And something inside of him even agreed. Getting left by his parents again, was the worst experience Lenny ever had to go through. So many things ran through his head. Why did they leave him again? Why did they leave him in the first place? Where did he go wrong? Weren't they pleased with the way he turned out? Was it something he said or did? What unforgivable mistake did he commit that his seven-year-old self must have committed as well? He was used to this crashing pain his chest but never before had it been as bad as it was that day. He never felt as miserable. He didn't even know he could feel even more miserable than he already did during all those years.

But it was also the day he's been feeling as good and welcomed and warm as he never did before.  
  
Since that night, he wanted to be as close to someone again. He wanted to be as close to Gutierrez again. But he didn't know how to ask for it. Or if there even was a right way to ask for such a thing. All he knew was that he'd do anything to feel as good as he did back then. And if that meant he'd have to leave his cage in order to archive it, then he would.  
  
"When this...", after all these years Gutierrez still wasn't sure how to talk about it. In fact he never did. But he knew he had to now and he want to. For Lenny. "When I was abused... I was blaming myself for it for years. I thought, that I must have done something wrong. And even as an adult I still had these moments, in which I thought it must have been me. My fault."  
  
Bewildered, the pope looked at his cardinal, unable to understand why a child would even think that such an outrageous crime would be its fault, let alone why an adult would think that way.  
  
"It took me years and years to understand there wasn't possibly something I could have done at that age, that would justify such a... behavior."  
  
"There isn't something you could do right now, as an adult, that would justify it", Lenny said firmly.

"There isn't something a child could do that would justify getting left from its parents either", Gutierrez considerately continued, carefully choosing the words he wanted to use.  
  
Lenny looked away. The expression on his face hurt Gutierrez so much. All he wanted was to make it go away forever. And he would, he had to.

"I know you are looking for a reason", he slowly stood up from his place in front of the pope, cautiously watching, careful to not scare him away. "I have, too. For so many years."  
  
He sat down next to Lenny, who was still facing away from him, unable to look at anything other than the ground beside him.  
  
"I suppose it's human nature to look for answers. To look for reasons. Why did God make us suffer like we did? Or why didn't he protect us from harm? What did we do wrong?"  
  
He wanted Lenny to look at him. He wanted to look him into his eyes, into his sad, beautiful eyes. He wanted to make sure he'd understand, truly understand, every word he'd say. But he was also glad he didn't have to look at his face racked with pain. He wasn't even sure if he'd have the courage to look at Lenny's eyes. Gutierrez wanted to provide him with any kind of physical support, though, like he did back in the hospital. And he would gather enough courage for that.  
  
"But sometimes", he reluctantly took Lenny's hand, who, to Gutierrez' surprise, let him do. "There simply isn't a reason."  
  
Lenny seemed to pause from thinking for a moment, then slowly turned to the man next to him. Gutierrez avoided looking him into the eyes.  
  
"I know, you are looking for a reason. I did, too. Trust me, I was looking for one for so long", Gutierrez voiced cracked a bit and he cursed himself for being so weak in a moment he had to be strong for someone else. "I think... sometimes there simply isn't a plan. I don't know why your parents left you. I don't even know if they know it themselves. I can't tell you why they left you in Venice again. And I never will be able to."  
  
Lenny's eyes filled with tears he was so used to holding back. All those years he was waiting for a reason, an explanation. He lived to get one. But he knew Gutierrez was right. And knowing that he'll never get one was devastating. However, what else was there to live for, if this simple reason was gone? So he just couldn't let go. He didn't want to let go. He didn't want to give up.  
  
Gutierrez needed a moment to completely gain back the control over his voice. And then he looked directly into the pope's eyes.   
  
"But there is something I _do_ know."  
  
He caringly squeezed Lenny's hand. His eyes didn't leave the sad, pain filled eyes in front of him. Now unable and unwilling to look somewhere else.   
  
"I know you didn't deserve all the pain you had to go through. You didn't back then and you don't deserve it now."  
  
"You don't either", the pope said automatically and suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he understood. It took him so many years, decades even, and so many cities, so many homes, but he finally understood.  
  
All those years he spend looking for his parents, he was looking for love. And a reason why they left him so he could do it better next time. And during all those years, he pushed all these people away, who could have provided him with the love he was looking for. It was easier to stay in his cage, to keep looking for his parents love, a love he had known before, or he thought he had known, instead of letting a new one into his life. A love he could lose, too.

But without even realizing it, he had already let someone into his life. A new, in a way maybe even a first, love.  
  
There it was. The reason to keep living, a person he truly cared about and that truly cared about him aswell. And behind him an entire place he cared about. Maybe even an entire world. A future. All he had to do, was leaving his old, rusted cage.  
  
And he did.  
  
He was ready to give in and embrace the path God has chosen for him. And he knew Gutierrez was a part of that path, if not the path itself.  
  
For the first time in his life, he reach out of his cage, left it even, and hugged Gutierrez. He pressed the cardinals body to his and buried his crying face in the neck of the other man. Gutierrez immediately returned the embrace, gently stroking the pope's back, crying as well. They sat like that for a while. In silence. And in peace.   
  
In peace with themselves and the world around them.   
  
This giant, scary but strangely exciting, new world, that had yet to be uncovered.   
  
And they both felt like children, reckless and eager to discover this world. Children, who purposely left their jackets at home to feel every single cold wisp of wind, to feel every ray of sunshine on their skin.  
  
Ready to leave the past behind.   
  
And ready for the future they would design together.


End file.
